My Anxiety Story

Anxiety. Your mind is racing. Your heart is pounding against your chest. Your breath is rapid and shallow. You feel stuck. It's like you'll never find a way out of your head. Nobody understands the things you are feeling; the pain you are experiencing. Nobody gets it, because they've never been through what you have. You feel alone, and hopeless. But trust me, there is hope. 

 Today I am going to share the story of my anxiety with you guys. I'm very passionate about spreading awareness and encouragement on the topic of mental health; about helping people who also struggle with similar things as me. My journey has not been easy, and I am not one hundred percent free from anxiety, but things have gotten so much better. God has taught me so many things, and I can't help but share all of it!

 My anxiety came out of the blue. I remember being so excited to go back to school, since I had been homeschooled the previous year, and I missed it. I missed seeing my friends everyday, and just being in a classroom full of other children my age as I learned. I went shopping with my mom for new clothes to wear, and cute school supplies to use. I was ready and prepared. My first day of school went great! Little did I know, though, that a few days later, everything would change. Forever.

 It was a normal day, when everything went downhill. I had gotten ready for school, and went into class as usual. I started helping out at my school, and they assigned me to the cafeteria at breakfast to pass out bags for everyone to put their food in. Everything was going great, until someone in line was getting sick. Right in front of me. 

 It wasn't a big deal to me in the past, when people got sick. But this time was different. My mouth got watery. I got hot. I got tingly all over. By the time I had finished and went back to my class, I had to take my jacket off. And it was cold outside. I didn't know what was going on. It was such a crazy experience. Some time passed, and I felt better. But I was exhausted. Everyone seemed to notice something wasn't right, because they were all asking me if I was okay. I remember saying. "Yeah, I'm just tired.", and brushing it off. Until I, myself got sick.

 The next thing I know, I'm in the school nurse's office, waiting for my mom to pick me up. I was so scared. I didn't know why, but all I felt was fear. I felt stuck and isolated. When my mom got there, she helped me get into the car to take me home, and asked what had happened. I told her everything, and she explained how I had a panic attack. My mom also deals with anxiety, so she knew what had happened when she heard me tell her all of the details. I remember sitting in the car, driving home, and feeling numb. Feeling stuck in my mind. This was the first panic attack I'd ever had, over the course of the worst year of my life.

 Every single day after that one, I was terrified to go back to school. Every morning I skipped breakfast, and threw up. I cried every day my mom dropped me off, and had to call her multiple times during the day. I could never go back into that cafeteria. So, my teacher let me eat my lunch in the classroom. I barely ate anything, and by the end of the year I had lost a lot of weight. I was so drained and exhausted day after day; it was like I was living in a never-ending nightmare. I begged and begged and begged my mom to take me out and homeschool me, but she was firm on her decision. I was not going to let the devil get the victory. 
 With the help of my parents and their endless love and support, I didn't give up. I kept going to school, even though I was scared. Even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. Even though I cried countless tears and was known as 'the girl who always cries' in school. I still did it. And guess what? I didn't let the devil get the victory. Instead, I got it. I made it through the year!

 Once that horrible year was over, my little 10 year old self needed time to recover. I had such a traumatizing experience, and it still makes me anxious to think about it, and I still cry in fear about it to this day. I don't remember too many details about my anxiety, but I know it got better because my mom homeschooled me every year after fifth grade. The only thing was, now I had triggers. 
 What I went through developed triggers for my anxiety, which are school, sickness, and anything in my body that doesn't feel normal. So, whenever my anxiety was triggered, I had panic attacks. And they got worse as time went on.

 By about seventh grade, I was having the worst panic attacks of my entire life. I would hyperventilate and nearly pass out, cry, and pace. My heart pounded against my chest. I would get in what my mom and I call the "panic zone". I got stuck inside of my anxiety. I could hear what my mom was saying to me while trying to help me, but I couldn't comprehend a single word. I would fall asleep for a minute, and then wake up terrified and crying over and over again. My mom almost took me to the emergency room quite a few times, and once she actually did.

 Since my anxiety was so bad, my parents decided it was time to take a trip to the doctors. I got diagnosed with anxiety, and put on medication. I was terrified to take the medicine, but I did, and I've gone up on my dosage to find an amount that works well for me.
 It has been such an emotional and frustrating roller-coaster to getting better. Some days I felt hopeless and like I would never experience peace and it would never go away. I would just cry and cry because it didn't feel fair. Why did I have to go through all of this? It was so hard to trust God. To trust that He knew what He was doing. To trust that He was holding me every step of the way. I didn't understand how I could do that. How I could give up all control and focus on myself and my circumstances, and let God do His thing.

 So, over the years my anxiety improved a lot! I still have my moments, and it's still not gone, but God has taught me how to trust Him. And this is how:
 Both my parents and my therapist thought starting a co-op would be really good for me. I on the other hand, was terrified of that idea. I would have to go to school once a week, without my mom with me. I would have to deal with one of my main triggers. But God's plan and His better judgement won. My mom was trying to sign me up, and all of the spots were full. But they made an exception for me. Isn't that wild! I didn't want to admit it, but I knew that was God. I knew that this co-op was what God wanted me to do for my freshman year of high school.
 Time went faster than I would've liked it to, and before I knew it, it was the day before my first day of school. I cried all day long that day. I was so scared it would be like fifth grade was. That year was so traumatizing for me. I couldn't have another year anything like that. Ever. By the end of the day, I was exhausted from worrying so much. I was going to bed, and I turned off my alarm for the next morning. I couldn't do it. My plan was to miss the alarm, sleep in, and give my mom a hard time when she would try to get me out of bed and out the door. But something came across me, and I turned it back on.
 The next morning, I did something I could never figure out how to do before. I gave all of my worries to God, and completely trusted Him! I felt so much peace as I got ready and headed out the door. I continued to feel that peace on the car ride there, and throughout the whole entire day. I had zero anxiety! ZERO! 

 Never forget how amazingly capable our God is. He orchestrated all of this in my life, and I know He's going to use every detail for His glory. In the same way He moved mountains for me, He can move mountains for you! Things will get better. I promise. I know how hard it is to believe that, but no matter what, God's plan will ALWAYS win!!!